September 24th, 1811 Today it becomes one year since I arrived to downtime, and I guess this has made me meditate a little. All this depression, this void that strikes me from time to time were strong today. One year away from my wife, from my uptime life, and all this is nothing but shit.
I am almost 30 now, and I am in the middle of... I do not know in the middle of what I am. Playing soldiers, I guess, in the middle of this nowhere jungle where there is nothing but rain and rain. Some times I cannot understand how a guy like me is not involved in this kind of games. Probably because I suppose other people expect that from me. So I am quite making decisions of life and death on other people.
I had delayed my trip to Bloofields as I get some news from Venezuela. If I understood correctly the governor of Maracaibo tried to purge the town from all kind of supporters of the Republic that they proclaimed in Caracas and things where kind of messy. In a night fifteen of the most prominent Creoles there where captured and accused of treason. Two were executed before the Creoles in the army, plus several Spanish, as I heard, insurrected against the Governor and soon there where barricades in the streets, bombings from ships in the harbor, etc. Finally the governor, several of the Creoles in jail and tens of soldiers and common people laid death. At the end the royalists surrendered and the reminded authorities declared in favor of Miranda and the Venezuelan republic. When my couriers left, one fortification and three ships where still fighting for the Royal colors.
Preventing this kind of shit is why I had people near Maracaibo, but they where not trained enough and they had orders not to participate if something like that happened too soon. Well this happened pretty soon for my people to move in, but not too soon for my plans.
So I delayed my trip in order to organize the reinforcements. 50 of my better trained men where sent to Maracaibo to reinforce things there, as well as 200 more men to Cartagena. Cartagena is next, I could almost bet for sure, and now my people will not stay in the distance as observers, but they are going to participate.
Several people died in Maracaibo already, and things are not over. I cannot stop thinking that several of the people I am sending there will die. Well, we all are supposed to die some day but they have not to die because I sent them to fight for something I am not really sure what it is.
There would not be the first people I lost. By accident and disease I have already lost almost a hundred men, including one of the British advisors. But, well, given the sanitary conditions of the people in this environment, they died as too many people already die in theses jungles downtime. But I am commanding this people to actually go where bullets would be fired against them, and they to shoot back to _enemy_ soldiers. "Enemy", just people like my men that happens to have made an oath to another colors.
But all this was not the real reason of my depression, just part of it. It is that I not longer have Beatriz, my cats, my uptime problems, my career, television, ... I would say Internet but, well, weirdly enough internet is the only uptime thing that is still there.
After organizing the reinforcements of Maracaibo and Cartagena I finally left Darien again. Prudencio is in charge again, and now I am in an expedition through the Central American jungles to get everything I can get that is not Spanish (either Peninsular or America born) into my side. The Black Creoles in Bloofields and the Mosquito Indians are my main target, and I expect to meet soon my Kuna allies.
-- Com. C. E. Tomás P. G.
San Blas Mountains, Panamá.